Calm the Hell down, Buick

“You can’t be driving THIS car. It’s a Buick!”

This has been on my mind for a while and I finally have a good platform to vent. Have you guys seen these Buick commercials where all of these people go around surprising their friends by the fact that they have a Buick instead of some other, far more desirable car like it’s supposed to be impressive? There is always this one person who is so overly sure of themselves that the other person must be driving a cool car and then pompous-ass Linda comes around with an iced latte and a hair flip and says “It’s a Buick. You wouldn’t understand”. Alright, calm down, Linda. I know it must be tough to hear me all the way up on that high horse of yours, but let’s get one thing straight: no matter how cool you may seem in that commercial, NO ONE HAPPILY DRIVES A BUICK.

It’s simple science. Buicks are for old people and teenagers that are driving a third-generation hand-me-down from their great-uncle who was forced to surrender his driver’s license to the state after a series of low-speed fender-benders outside the local breakfast buffet. I’m sure there are people who drive Buicks that may be adequately satisfied, but I’d wager my right testicle and a third of my liver that there are ZERO human beings on this planet that are happily driving a damn Buick and think “This is it. There is nowhere else to go but down from here”.

Buick can try to change their image all they want but to have the unmitigated gall they have to really sit up there and masquerade as one of the cool kids is deeply insulting. Oh yeah, Buick, after seeing that commercial of an understated, affordable, beige sedan, I think I am going to buy a damn Buick poster and hang it up in my room. In fact, I can’t wait to tell my parents that I got a Buick. Maybe they’ll finally be impressed with me. Who knows, maybe I could use this Adonis of automobiles to court one of the surely hundreds of women mouths are involuntarily agape at just the presence of this hotrod. The world will truly know that I am a force to be reckoned with because I drive a Buick. Does any of that seem reasonable, specifically my parents being impressed with me? That’s a hard no. Honestly, if Buick discontinued and went the way of Pontiac and Saturn, would anyone really notice. Again, that would be a negative. Stay in your lane, Buick. You look ridiculous.

Published by Zach Vecker

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