Before you mindlessly hand over more of your legal tender to Disney, please do us all a favor and rip it up first. Hell, you can burn it or even make some fine origami. Or better yet, keep the money. But please stop paying for Disney to remake their own movies. Disney is remaking “Dumbo, “The Lion King” and “Aladdin” this year because all of you people gave them literal billions of dollars to see them remake “The Jungle Book” and “Beauty and the Beast”. Do you guys want to hear something incredible? I am sure you do, so here it is: THOSE MOVIES ALREADY EXIST. I bet you weren’t aware of that. You must not have been considering you all seem so eager to pay money to see them.
But here we are. It’s 2019 and there are hordes of movie-goers who are actively looking forward to these films as if they won’t have the exact same story that everyone already knows. The only difference is an update in appearance, a change in actors, and maybe the removal of a lot of the casual racism that our childhoods were blessed with. Disney will absolutely not stray away from what we know because that is what they are selling you. YOU ARE BUYING A PRODUCT YOU ALREADY HAVE.
And before you jump on my case and claim that it is your own terrible decision to make and that it is a victimless crime, let me just stop you right there. Your ignorance knows no bounds and it sickens me. We live in a society. Your masochistic ways put everything else in jeopardy. Every dollar you give to Disney to make redundant products is validation for their actions and will encourage them to do it again in the future. Instead of getting potentially new stories for the next generation to grow up on, they will get the George Lucas Special Edition Treatment for your movies. Resources that could be allocated to creating something new will go into remaking the same damn story we already own on VHS, DVD, Blu-Ray, 4k, digital stream, smoke signal, puppet show, and a stick figure hand-drawn sticky note flip book you made in grade school.
Look, I am a reasonable human being 30 percent of the time. I get it, the world is scary. Your taxes are due, you probably don’t have many friends if any at all, and chances are you smell bad. You just want something comfortable to ease your mind. The soothing embrace upon the bosom of Disney movies is a familiar and safe place to shield yourself from the unforgiving outside world. But now it is time for you to be brave. You deserve better than this. Disney is a predator, smelling your insecurities and teasing you with bait that lures you in effortlessly. They have got you trapped in a cage, running on a wheel like a 2nd-grade class pet that goes home with a different student each week. You are only a wallet to Disney, and as long as you keep opening it up to Disney, they have complete control.
Shut Up Zach! 