Matthew McConaughey is beyond your plebian cognition

A god amongst mere mortals

I have been personally asked many a time to explain those Matthew McConaughey Lincoln commercials, and even though they’ve been parodied beyond belief for a few years now, apparently you simpletons still don’t get what they are all about. And so, you come crawling to me, desperately seeking what you can’t find on your own.

McConaughey is an artist. No, actually, screw that! McConaughey is ART! We should be counting ourselves amongst the blessed that a smooth southern bastard like him would even fancy an American automobile. Do you want to know the reason you don’t understand those commercials? It is because you are COWARDS! Afraid to acknowledge that there is a being above humanity, and he walks amongst us. We have been transcended and you can not reconcile your purpose on this blue rock.

Oh, you don’t know what he is talking about when he has a stare down with a bull in the middle of a prairie dirt road? Or what he is thinking when he hits a pool shot at his house party and drives away, leaving his invited guests unattended? Well you need to GROW UP. McConaughey is giving us gold and you go and sully it by not comprehending the prophetic edicts of the almighty!

Published by Zach Vecker

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2 thoughts on “Matthew McConaughey is beyond your plebian cognition

  1. I politely and respectfully ask you to shut up, Zach.

    One needs only to watch the two most recent McConaughey-Lincoln commercials to realize that somehow the Ad Agency hired for this campaign thinks that lonely, sociopaths are the target audience for this car. Either that or there is a hidden message to the Russians embedded in the commercials.

    Here is McConaughey attending some type of dinner party, sitting outside regaling the crowd with his humor and wit. Cut to McConaughey standing alone, hovering over a pool table, while admiring women say, “I’ve never seen that before”. They say this BEFORE he takes the cue shot that is impossible under the laws of physics and will require a Zapruder-like film to prove that there was second shooter hiding in the grassy knoll. Next we see an angry and sullen McConaughey stalking purposely towards his parked car. His eyes are filled with determination. His gait reveals a man possessed. Once in the car, McConaughey turns and sneers at the rear seats before pulling out of the driveway in earnest. Question: what is he looking at in the rear seat? Has he kidnapped a party guest and they are tied up in the back (something that occurred off camera)? Does he have left over Chinese Food from the night before fermenting on the rear seat warmers? And why the rush to leave? What happened to the jovial party guest entertaining everyone around the dinner table? Why is leaving the party angry and alone?

    Of course the bigger question is why would this scenario – the mood disordered, lonely, pool playing savant, sociopath, who may have kidnapped someone – encourage me to purchase a Lincoln?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh, I’ll feed you, baby bird.

      I stand by my aforementioned explanation. McConaughey is simply beyond your narrow understanding of what is possible in this world. While you struggle to figure out the inconsequential detail of what he is looking at in the back seat of his luxurious 2019 Lincoln Nautilus, now with Lincoln Co-Pilot360tm Technology, McConaughey has already won. If you’re worried that he possibly kidnapped a guest of his house party, then I submit to you that you are beneath driving a Lincoln, unlike your little brother, who has been enlightened by the dogmatic gospel of McConaughey, praise be unto He.

      Do you want to know why he is in such a sour mood? It is perhaps because his female guest who looks on already knew that she was going to see something that would call into question everything she knew was possible within her simple reality, even before McConaughey took the shot. And while we witness her coming to grips with her imminent reckoning, McConaughey just reassures himself that he is not amongst his peers. He is alone in a world of lesser beings, and so he storms off into the night, embraced by his only true equal, the stylish 2019 Lincoln Nautilus.

      What happened to the guests is irrelevant. They are mindless peons no more worthy of McConaughey’s presence than they are to drive the state-of-the-art all-new 2019 Lincoln Nautilus. And so what if he possibly kidnapped one of them offscreen? Maybe he needed someone in the car with him so he could use the carpool lanes on the freeway. I am sure he had his reasons. Open your mind, Paul.


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