“The Lion King” Sucks… and it made $185 Million Opening Weekend…

You people are the worst types of scumbags. Here I am, speaking the truth and how do you repay me? By giving Disney all your money anyway. The arrogance. Frankly, I have no idea how your parents can even muster up the courage to tell people that you are their spawn. “The Lion King” has stolen $185 Million in its opening weekend despite a 52% score on Rotten Tomatoes. Now, I am not an idiot like you people are. I know that Rotten Tomatoes is not the gospel for what is considered quality cinema (just see how “Midsommar” is 82% Fresh), but I do know something is wrong when a film is rated so poorly and still makes all the money in the world.

Disney monopolizing the Top 3

Crazy enough, it seemed as though the masses on Twitter actually saw through the charade this time. Everyone and their mothers seemingly called out Disney for making a soulless remake as nothing more than an easy cash-grab. I encourage everyone to see the side-by-side comparisons of the original to the remake and I DARE YOU TO TELL ME THAT THIS NEW ONE IS BETTER. The photorealism takes away so much of the expressive natures of the characters that we all loved so much about the original and replaced it with a nightmarish National Geographic special where actual animals sing and dance and say Shakespearean one-liners as they betray their brothers for power.

Which version of Scar looks more expressive to you?

I need to say it again since clearly, no one heard me last time. THE MOVIE ALREADY EXISTS! Frame-for-frame, scene-for-scene, song-for-song. IT IS THE SAME MOVIE. It is unethical, nay, MORALLY REPREHENSIBLE to say anything positive about this movie that regards anything other than the change in visuals and voices. Oh, you liked the story? Shut your stupid mouth! It is the same story as the original. You really like the film released in 1994 and this one is the kid who sat behind it on exam day and cheated on their test. Do you praise the kid who got an A on a test by cheating? If you say “yes”, that’s because you were the one cheating.  And before you give me the whole “Well, actually, ‘The Lion King’ is just ‘Hamlett’” routine that I know is brewing up in your simple, stupid minds, just stop before I expatriate you from Earth. They are not the same thing. “The Lion King” (1994) is a creative take on an old story, but it is not the literal same exact story.

All of you and all of your terrible, objectively wrong opinions are giving me Irritable Bowel Syndrome. I hope you are proud of yourselves. You are just mindless drones flocking to give Disney your money for doing nothing but making a lesser version of what they have already sold you. My brain cannot cope with this logic. Perhaps the most amazing part of this is that if they changed the movie up a bit, I would not be nearly as irate. But it is the exact same film and you assholes can’t seem to get enough of it. Maybe Thanos was onto something…

Published by Zach Vecker

Follow my film blog ShutUpZach.com

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